Friday, January 30, 2009

You can never say "I love you" enough

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Todays events have made me open my eyes up alot!


Well, recently a fellow employee of mine died at work. She was found laying on the floor at the front desk by a manager overnight. Tonight was her funeral, and me and a bunch of my fellow employees left work early to pay our respects. She was a very generous women who will be greatly missed. She was also very young (26) she died from an aneroism (however you spell it)

A few people went up and made speeches including some of my fellow employees. Some wrote her a poem. Her boyfriend was one of the last people to go up and i swear it made me cry. His greatest wish from everybody was to go home, look their significant other in the eyes and tell them you love them...because you never know what tomorrow holds for you.

My biggest fear has always been losing the ones i love the most. And for a long time when i was a little girl, i would always give my mom a hug and kiss goodbye and tell her i loved her because i was afraid it would be the last time i'd see her. Id cry my eyes out everytime she would leave because i was afraid. Ever since i was 3 i was afraid of my mother dying. And thats the honest truth. My mom told me that when i was 4 years old, i asked her where i would go if she ever died.

Well lately, for a few years now ive barely said i love you to my mom or my brothers. Even though i love them with everything i got and they know it. I mean, i tell my mom i love her, but not as much as i should. And for my brothers, i cant remember the last time i had said i love you. And i know there was a few times i told my mother i hated her :( because i was a stupid immature teenager back in the day. And i regret ever telling her that because its the complete opposite. I couldnt tell you how much i love my mother.

That changed today though. I texted my mom, and my two brothers during the funeral and told all three of them that i loved them. I even texted my two bestfriends and told them i loved them. And from now on, im going to make it a habit to tell them everyday more then once that i love them. At any minute, you can lose a loved one. And what will your last words be? I dont know about you but i would like my last words to be "I love you". Thankgod my last words to my Grandmom was i love you. I told her i loved her everytime i left. I would give her a hug and kiss all the time.

So like i was told at the funeral, My greatest wish for all you bloggers out there is to look your significant other in the eyes, and tell them how much you love them!! And make it a habit to tell everyone you love that you love them!

Well, on a more happy note! After the funeral, 10 of us went out to eat to dennys. A few of them were managers. We were all laughing the whole time. I had them all cracking up :) it was nice to actually go out to diner with employees, especially managers. It makes you feel important! I remember when i worked at this nursing home called Sunbridge, they would always go out to eat together but would never include me. And i would always be upset. And now i finally got that chance. I know it sounds corny but it really makes you feel special lol :)



Thursday, January 29, 2009

My family Means the world to me!





I can't stress it enough! Family is the most important thing. I love my family and i really dont know what i would do without them. They are the world to me. I couldnt ask for a better family!
Never doubt the love of family
They'll always be there for you
encouraging you through
They never let you down
helping you grow up wise and smart
They'll teach you wrong from right
They'll hold you in their arms tight
They'll give you hugs and kisses
Send you off to college with the best wishes
And when times get rough
They'll give you warmth and love
Like your an angel from above
So never doubt the love of family
They'll always be there for you
Encouraging you through!
Written by: Me (c) Rebecca Ann Murray-Hunt








Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

Never Forgotten

Goodevening,

I just started this whole blogging thing. Simply because i never knew about it, surprisingly haha! I love to write and i always have so much on my mind so i figured this would be the best way to vent :) I hope you all enjoy!

Dec. 30, 2008 It was around 6am when my mother came in my room. I had watched my friends month old son Haiden that night so he was sound asleep on my chest. My mom woke me up crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she had told me that grandmom was in the hospital and she didnt think she would make it this time. All i said was "OH ok she'll make it, she always does" She left the room, and i went right back to sleep.

A couple of hours later, Haiden had woken up. So i got up and made him a bottle. My mother wasnt home so i called her to see where she had went. She was at the hospital sitting with my grandma and asked if i was going to come up to see her. I told her i would in a little bit. I then had my sister watch the baby while i hopped in the shower and got ready. Then took little Haiden home to his mother, called out of work, and went to the hospital.

By the time i had gotten there, my mother had left and i was the only one in the room. There she was, laying there with tubes shoved in her mouth and nose. She was on a breathing machine. So she wasnt awake. I stood there, as i looked at her and my eyes filled with tears. I grabbed her hand and held it for a long time as i gently rubbed her arm. I kissed her forehead and told her i loved her. Then i left. I couldnt stand to be there any longer...

I called my boyfriend of the time and had him come over. We watched a movie together. The movie ended around 5. As i layed in his arms, i began to cry. I asked him, "What if she really doesnt make it?" He reassured me everything would be fine.

After he left, i called my mother. She was back up at the hospital. She answered and rushed me off the phone because her and poppop and a few others were in a meeting with the doctor. So i freshened up so i could go back up to the hospital. About 15 minutes later my phone rang. It was my mother. She told me the doctor said grandmom wasnt going to make it through. She told me if i had wanted to say goodbye then id better come right now. I got off the phone, and rushed to the hospital.


my mommom

On my way there, i was listening to the radio and the song "Bye bye" by Mariah Carey came on. Tears began to fall from my eyes. Memories flooded my mind. And i just broke down. I arrived at the hospital. There was my mother,brother,sister,stepdad,poppop,aunt b,uncle mark,cousin tracy and jeanie, and uncle john all standing there with teary eyes. it was about 6 pm when i got there. My uncle Tony had went to PA to get my Aunt tammy and my two cousins Bobby and Bronson. They were almost there. I stood there holding her hand again as i watched the monitor. Her heart rate slowely started to decrease. Everytime i heard it make a sound my heart would jump. As her heart rate got slower and slower, the tears became more frequent. My uncle called and said theyd b there in 15 minutes. At that point her heart rate was at 50. 49 48 47...20 i started to break down in tears along with everyone else. I held her arm tight and kissed her forhead again and said, "I love you mommom, im going to miss you, please dont go" Everyone around me was crying their eyes out. My poppop was the only one being strong. 19 18 17....8....0 and then she was gone. Right in front of me. I swung my arms around her and wouldnt let go. I cried and i cried. I wouldnt let go. My Uncle got there 5 minutes tooo late. He was a mess. They finally got me to let go of her and then my Aunt amanda grabbed me up in her arms and we just stood there crying.


That night was the most miserable nights of my life. I lost my grandmother. The women who helped raise me. The women who would have diner on the table when i got home from elementary school. That was when me and my mother lived with my grandparents. She would help me get ready in the mornings for school. And i would give her a hard time. But she still loved me. For a year, she couldnt speak, but i could read her lips. I was the only one. I would do whatever she needed me to do that year. I would get her a drink, make her a plate of food, throw her trash away, help her up. I was only 8 years old. Once, she made eggsalad (My favorite) and i said, " mmm mommom whats that crunchy stuff i love it" and she laughed and laughed as she told me it was the eggshells. She teased me for years about that. it was so funny....but...now shes gone. I miss her so much.

Yesterday, i was at my friend jessicas babyshower and her mommom was there...reminded me so much of mine. And i just started crying. Right at the babyshower. Im a complete mess. I was the happiest girl ever before Dec. 30 and now im just a complete mess....{depressed}

R.I.P mommom~you are greatly missed.

The day of the funeral was when my poppop finally broke down. He couldnt be strong for us anymore. He stood there by her crying and said, "Im sure going to miss her", and then just broke down. I will never forget that day. Walking through the double doors and down the aisle to her casket and her laying there looking like....like...a doll? i guess u could say. And i had once again kissed her forhead...but this time her skin was cold and hard on my lips instead of warm and soft. i kept myself strong that day...for the most part. I held the tears back as i comforted my family. That didnt last though. I was sitting down with my cousin tracy. I had my eyes set on my grandmom. My i wasnt all there at that moment. I was in my own little world. Thinking of all the memories. At that exact moment, i was thinking about Christmas eve. My poppop was drinking and mommom was sitting in her big comfy chair. I got a little hungry so i reached for the banannas. My poppop yelled out, "Wait, you gottaa ask mommom which banana you can have". (you understand the irony in that right?) Well i had laughed and turned to mommom and said, "hey mommom which bananna can i have?" N she smiled and said huh? you can have anyone youd like sweetheart. And i laughed so hard i fell down to the ground. And everyone else was laughing too. Its a kinda thing you gotta b there to think is funny. Anyway, thats what was going through my mind at the moment i bursted out crying. It went from silence.....to me bursting out crying. My aunt amanda ran over to me and wrapped her arms around me just like at the hospital. And my mother came over and comforted me. I went outside and got some fresh air and then went back in. I went up to the casket one more time. I kneeled down on the little thing they had infront of her casket and my mom joined me. I told her she looked so fake with all the makeup she had caked on. My mom told me that mommom always wanted to have her makeup done and her nails done and hair done. She said mommom would be happy if she seen herself. It did make me feel a little better. But all i ever think about is when i kissed her forhead and it was hard and cold.

She was burried in the cemetary right across from my neighborhood. I visited her grave a week ago. I could only stand to be there 5 minutes. Just the thought of her in the ground made my stomach weak.
~NEVER WILL SHE BE FORGOTTEN~


my mom,stepdad, and grandma


Me and my poppop


All of us grandkids back in the day. The boat behind us is my popops

Here i am


Here I am once again, sitting in this pink fuzzy chair. Starring at the same four depressing walls. Millions of pictures surround me. Sad music plays softly in the background as memories flood my mind. The moon shines brightly through my window as the wind blows past me making the candles flicker. I look up and I see a shadow of myself on the ceiling. I can almost see the tear that’s rolling down my cheek. Beside me is a vase of flowers. Roses to be exact, wiltering day by day as the months roll by. As I sit here longer, it starts to feel as if the walls are enclosing on me and I cant escape. As I take a deep breath in, I can still smell the scent of his cologne. I can’t help but glance at the clock every second. It feels like time is standing still. To the far right sit’s a bed perfectly made. It hasn’t been slept in for days, actually months. I’m beginning to drown in the memories of this room. It’s taking my sanity. Scattered all over the floor are letters, pictures and cards that I ripped to pieces. This room is like a nightmare and I can’t seem to wake up.

Your life as you know it; can change in a blink of an eye


Have you ever experienced something in your life that changed you forever? Something so traumatic that you could hardly sleep at night? And when you did sleep, you only had nightmares? Reliving the experience over and over again? Have you ever experienced something so horrible that you wish you could just rip out a page of your memory? And no matter how hard you try to get over it and move on with your life, you just can’t? The flashbacks hit you everyday, it never fails.
Well I’ve experienced it, and let me tell you, it isn’t a good change. It all began on a hot summer day around 6 o’clock p.m., when my phone rang. There wasn’t a cloud to be seen. Just a clear blue sky. I was sitting at the computer in my living room replying to a couple of messages from my friends. The sun was shining brightly through the window. I picked up my phone and looked at the front screen to see who was calling me. It was Joel from work.
I finally picked up the phone and said, “Hello.”
In a low voice he said, “Hey Becky what are you doing?”
I replied, “I’m just sitting at home trying to find something to do, what are you doing?”
He asked me if I wanted to hang out and maybe go get some ice-cream.
I then said, “Yeah, let me get ready and then I’ll come pick you up.”
He said ok and then we hung up the phone. I finished writing a message to my best friend Amanda and then went and changed into some jeans and a t-shirt.
When I arrived at his house, he was sitting outside waiting for me. He had a big brown bag in his hand. He opened my passenger side door and climbed into the seat. “What’s in the bag,” I said.
“Oh, just a few Smirnoffs,” he answered.
Angrily, I said, “I don’t drink, and if I get pulled over I will get in trouble for having open alcohol in my car!” So then he told me he wouldn’t open it until we got to the park.
I said, “I thought we were going to go get some ice-cream.”
“Well I figured we could go walk around the park for some exercise” he said.
We walked around the park about three times. We basically talked about work the whole time while he chugged down the alcohol. He had only drank about two of them, so he was still very sober.
“So, how do you like working at Sunbridge so far?” I asked him.
“Ah, people there are so lazy,” he replied
I agreed with him and told him it was something he would have to get used to. The sun was going down and it was beginning to get dark, so I told him we had better leave. I got in the car and closed my door while he stood outside the car for a few minutes talking to someone on the phone. I couldn’t quiet make out what he was saying though. He then hung up the phone and jumped in. That’s when it happened. That’s when my life as I knew it was ruined. Things would never be the same again. Right then at that moment, was when my life changed in a blink of an eye.
He looked at me with his eyes wide open and said, “Becky, I really like you”.
He grabbed my face real fast with both of his hands and started shoving his tongue down my throat. All I could smell or taste was the Smirnoff on his god-forsaken breath. I started to feel the food I had eaten earlier that day come back up. I kept trying to push him off of me, but I wasn’t strong enough. I felt so weak and helpless. He held me down with his left hand while unzipping my pants with his right hand.
I screamed, “STOP JOEL, GET OFF.”
That’s when he told me, “You know you want it. Now shut up.”
He kept touching me everywhere and kissing my neck and chest. I closed my eyes real tight and tried to imagine that it wasn’t happening. Hoping and praying that it was all just a dream. I opened my eyes to find that it was no dream. It was all very real. The world was crashing down on me. He almost had my pants down when I started to pray. Dear God: Please help me lord, I need you. Give me the strength to get him off of me. Send someone to help me please lord, I need you! Amen!
“Joel, please stop! Stop, please!” I screamed.
He wouldn’t stop though. He grabbed my face with both of his hands again and started shoving his tongue down my throat once again. Except this time he had taken a drink of alcohol first and still had some of it in his mouth. I started choking as it was sliding down my throat. It gave me time to hurry up and pull my pants back up and zip them though.
“I don’t think so sweetheart” he said.
He than started unzipping my pants again but slowly as he caressed my boobs. I closed my eyes and with all my strength I pushed him off of me. He flew over and hit his head on the passenger side door. I then hurried and started my car and sped out of the park. That’s when God answered my prayers. He had finally come to my rescue.
Wooo wooo wooo, I heard as I looked in my rear view mirror. I pulled over real quick.
“License and registration please,” the officer said.
I handed the police officer my license and registration and then he looked at Joel and asked him for his license also. Joel handed him his license and then the officer returned to his car.
“I’m sorry Becky, I promise it’ll never happen again. Please don’t say anything to the cop, please!” he begged.
“Shut up and just sit there!” I screamed at him. “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”
Finally the officer returned to my window and asked me to step out of the car. We walked to the back of my car and he gave me a written warning for speeding.
I was signing the warning when the officer asked, “Is everything ok, mam? You seem really upset”.
At first I was really scared to say anything. I didn’t want Joel to come after me for reporting him to the police.
“No sir, everything’s alright.” I said.
Then the officer asked Joel to step out of the car and then handed him his license back.
“Sir, can I speak to you over here for a minute?” I asked.
I had finally gained the courage to tell the officer exactly what happened. I couldn’t let Joel get away with what he did. I would hate myself forever.
“Sir, put your hands behind your back please,” the officer said to Joel.
Joel looked at me, his eyes filled with hatred as if he wanted to kill me. I hurried and closed my eyes so I couldn’t see him. That’s when I called Amanda crying. I told her everything that had happened. The officer had me follow him back to the station to write up a report. As I was waiting to make my report, I called my mother. Her and my step-dad rushed to the station. As soon as I seen them pull up, I ran outside and threw my hands around my mom as I cried. We stood in the parking lot for about five minutes holding each other. I finally made my report and was able to go home. Home sweet home. That’s when Amanda showed up. She had came to comfort me and make sure everything was alright. She ran up to my door and gave me a big hug and wouldn’t let go. She was just upset as I was.
I was in the shower scrubbing my body as hard as I could when I had my first flashback. It just hit me out of nowhere and I fell down crying. I was just sitting in the shower with my head resting on my knees, crying as the water ran down my face. I couldn’t even tell you how long I sat in the shower for. Thoughts just kept flooding my mind. Thought after thought after thought. What if I wasn’t able to push him off ? What if God didn’t answer my prayers? What if when I got him back to his house, he dragged me inside and raped me there? What if after what if ran through my mind.
Finally, I got in bed and went to sleep. Not even in my dreams could I escape the horrible experience. I woke up around three in the morning screaming as if I was being murdered. After that, I couldn’t sleep. So I turned on the TV and tried to forget.
The next morning, I called into work and told them I wouldn’t be able to make it. I went to the courthouse and filed for a peace order so he wouldn’t be allowed around me ever again. I was so afraid he would try to harm me. I didn’t even feel safe at work. It wasn’t long until everyone heard what happened, and the harassments began.
One lady even said, “Are you going to drop the charges”?
“No, why I would I do that” I asked?
“Because he seems like a nice guy” she replied.
You can only imagine how that made me feel inside. It ripped my heart open and shredded it to pieces. A nice guy? Is that what he is? Trying to rape a young girl makes him a nice guy? If he’s a nice guy then I would hate to meet a bad guy. How could she say something like that to me? I just didn’t understand it. Everyone kept asking me if it was true, if I was telling the truth. Why would I lie about something like that? One day I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I would go insane. I felt like I was going to break down. So I walked out. I had to quit my job because I couldn’t take the harassment. Nothing was being done about it.
Now its two months and a couple weeks later and I still have no job. All my graduation money: GONE. All the money in my bank: GONE. I had so much money saved up to make a down payment on a house someday but now its gone. I had two thousand dollars from graduation and now its gone. Its went towards bills, gas, and college. Look at him though, still working. Still surviving. Why is it that the criminals have it so easy?
I’ve had to go to court two times and face him and it’s still not over. The first time was for the peace order I filed. I walked into the court house through the double doors and was about to sit down on the bench when there he was, already sitting there. My heart stopped at that exact moment and I jumped back and ran right back out the double doors. I was there alone, all by myself. No one to comfort me. No one to hold me. I could feel my heart pounding, harder and harder. It felt as if my heart would explode. I started having a panic attack before court even began. Finally, the clock read 10:30. I walked back in and sat down with my face looking out the window. I couldn’t bare to look at him. We were the first called up. The judge kept asking me questions, but I could hardly speak. I couldn’t catch my breath. I had to repeat myself several times. The judge asked me if I needed an ambulance. “No your honor, I just want to get this over with please,” I told him.
I rushed home after court and threw up three times and I didn’t even have any food in my stomach. I had to take my inhaler too. It took about an hour for me to finally calm down and begin to breath right.
September 8, 2008, 8:30 a.m. I arrived at court once again, except this time, I had my mother by my side. Once again, we walked up to the court room and there he was, sitting on the bench. Once again, my heart stopped. I turned around about to walk back out, and my mother grabbed my arm.
“Calm down sweetheart, everything will be alright. Just try to breath,” she whispered to me.
“I cant mom, I don’t even have my inhaler with me,” I whispered back.
She held on tight to my arm until we got passed the bench and sat down in the courtroom. Right when we had passed him, I closed my eyes tight and squeezed her arm. I tried to imagine a beautiful mountain with the sound of humming birds all around me. We sat there for fifteen minutes before the state attorney called my name. She brought me back into a quiet room to speak to me, and ask me some questions. She told me about counseling I could do for free to help me get over the trauma. For two months, I kept hiding from the truth. The truth is, I need counseling more than anything. For a couple months now, I’ve been avoiding it and trying to get over it by myself. She asked me if I wanted to try counseling, and I told her yes. Then she warned me that Joel and his attorney would probably request a jury trial because the judge was known to be strict and hard. She then advised me not to give up and drop the charges. That’s their goal, to make me eventually give up. No way in hell will that ever happen. I must say though, I don’t think I can take another day in court. I can’t take another day, seeing him stare at me with those dark eyes as if he wants to kill me.
There isn’t one day that goes by, that I don’t think about what he did to me. He traumatized me, and I don’t think that I will ever be able to get over it. It’s not as easy as people may think. I may be able to go on with my life, but never will I be able to actually forget about it. I still see it in my dreams, and I still picture it in my mind everyday. It just doesn’t seem to let me be. All I want though, is for him to be punished. I don’t know what I’d do if they let him get away with it. It would devastate me. My life will never be the same. He has forever changed me.
I used to be your average girl, walking the streets without a worry in the world. That all changed for me though on June 30th, 2008. It was two days after my eighteenth birthday. I thought he was a nice guy and never once imagined he would do something like that. I guess when they say you can’t judge a book by the cover, their telling you the truth. I guess I should have thought twice before hanging out with him. I feel like it’s all my fault sometimes. I should have been more cautious and I shouldn’t have been so trusting. If you haven’t experienced something like this in your life, then you are very lucky. Don’t ever trust anyone you barely know . . . even if you work with them and they seem like a nice guy. Life, before you know it, can come crashing down on you just like it did on me. Your life can change in a blink of an eye.

Confused!


Have you ever had the feeling that all you want is to find that perfect guy that you can fall into?? but then you find a good guy....and you dont want to talk to just him? As if hes not good enough even though he really is. Im so confused in life with what i want. Its like...one minute i just want to find one guy who i can fall in love with...then the next minute...i want to talk to more than one guy and not become attached. At night though, i feel so lonely and I just want to cuddle up next to someone who i truely care about. Why am i feeling this way?? Maybe its cause i want to fall in love but im afraid?