Monday, January 26, 2009

Never Forgotten


I just started this whole blogging thing. Simply because i never knew about it, surprisingly haha! I love to write and i always have so much on my mind so i figured this would be the best way to vent :) I hope you all enjoy!

Dec. 30, 2008 It was around 6am when my mother came in my room. I had watched my friends month old son Haiden that night so he was sound asleep on my chest. My mom woke me up crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she had told me that grandmom was in the hospital and she didnt think she would make it this time. All i said was "OH ok she'll make it, she always does" She left the room, and i went right back to sleep.

A couple of hours later, Haiden had woken up. So i got up and made him a bottle. My mother wasnt home so i called her to see where she had went. She was at the hospital sitting with my grandma and asked if i was going to come up to see her. I told her i would in a little bit. I then had my sister watch the baby while i hopped in the shower and got ready. Then took little Haiden home to his mother, called out of work, and went to the hospital.

By the time i had gotten there, my mother had left and i was the only one in the room. There she was, laying there with tubes shoved in her mouth and nose. She was on a breathing machine. So she wasnt awake. I stood there, as i looked at her and my eyes filled with tears. I grabbed her hand and held it for a long time as i gently rubbed her arm. I kissed her forehead and told her i loved her. Then i left. I couldnt stand to be there any longer...

I called my boyfriend of the time and had him come over. We watched a movie together. The movie ended around 5. As i layed in his arms, i began to cry. I asked him, "What if she really doesnt make it?" He reassured me everything would be fine.

After he left, i called my mother. She was back up at the hospital. She answered and rushed me off the phone because her and poppop and a few others were in a meeting with the doctor. So i freshened up so i could go back up to the hospital. About 15 minutes later my phone rang. It was my mother. She told me the doctor said grandmom wasnt going to make it through. She told me if i had wanted to say goodbye then id better come right now. I got off the phone, and rushed to the hospital.

my mommom

On my way there, i was listening to the radio and the song "Bye bye" by Mariah Carey came on. Tears began to fall from my eyes. Memories flooded my mind. And i just broke down. I arrived at the hospital. There was my mother,brother,sister,stepdad,poppop,aunt b,uncle mark,cousin tracy and jeanie, and uncle john all standing there with teary eyes. it was about 6 pm when i got there. My uncle Tony had went to PA to get my Aunt tammy and my two cousins Bobby and Bronson. They were almost there. I stood there holding her hand again as i watched the monitor. Her heart rate slowely started to decrease. Everytime i heard it make a sound my heart would jump. As her heart rate got slower and slower, the tears became more frequent. My uncle called and said theyd b there in 15 minutes. At that point her heart rate was at 50. 49 48 47...20 i started to break down in tears along with everyone else. I held her arm tight and kissed her forhead again and said, "I love you mommom, im going to miss you, please dont go" Everyone around me was crying their eyes out. My poppop was the only one being strong. 19 18 17....8....0 and then she was gone. Right in front of me. I swung my arms around her and wouldnt let go. I cried and i cried. I wouldnt let go. My Uncle got there 5 minutes tooo late. He was a mess. They finally got me to let go of her and then my Aunt amanda grabbed me up in her arms and we just stood there crying.

That night was the most miserable nights of my life. I lost my grandmother. The women who helped raise me. The women who would have diner on the table when i got home from elementary school. That was when me and my mother lived with my grandparents. She would help me get ready in the mornings for school. And i would give her a hard time. But she still loved me. For a year, she couldnt speak, but i could read her lips. I was the only one. I would do whatever she needed me to do that year. I would get her a drink, make her a plate of food, throw her trash away, help her up. I was only 8 years old. Once, she made eggsalad (My favorite) and i said, " mmm mommom whats that crunchy stuff i love it" and she laughed and laughed as she told me it was the eggshells. She teased me for years about that. it was so shes gone. I miss her so much.

Yesterday, i was at my friend jessicas babyshower and her mommom was there...reminded me so much of mine. And i just started crying. Right at the babyshower. Im a complete mess. I was the happiest girl ever before Dec. 30 and now im just a complete mess....{depressed}

R.I.P mommom~you are greatly missed.

The day of the funeral was when my poppop finally broke down. He couldnt be strong for us anymore. He stood there by her crying and said, "Im sure going to miss her", and then just broke down. I will never forget that day. Walking through the double doors and down the aisle to her casket and her laying there looking doll? i guess u could say. And i had once again kissed her forhead...but this time her skin was cold and hard on my lips instead of warm and soft. i kept myself strong that day...for the most part. I held the tears back as i comforted my family. That didnt last though. I was sitting down with my cousin tracy. I had my eyes set on my grandmom. My i wasnt all there at that moment. I was in my own little world. Thinking of all the memories. At that exact moment, i was thinking about Christmas eve. My poppop was drinking and mommom was sitting in her big comfy chair. I got a little hungry so i reached for the banannas. My poppop yelled out, "Wait, you gottaa ask mommom which banana you can have". (you understand the irony in that right?) Well i had laughed and turned to mommom and said, "hey mommom which bananna can i have?" N she smiled and said huh? you can have anyone youd like sweetheart. And i laughed so hard i fell down to the ground. And everyone else was laughing too. Its a kinda thing you gotta b there to think is funny. Anyway, thats what was going through my mind at the moment i bursted out crying. It went from me bursting out crying. My aunt amanda ran over to me and wrapped her arms around me just like at the hospital. And my mother came over and comforted me. I went outside and got some fresh air and then went back in. I went up to the casket one more time. I kneeled down on the little thing they had infront of her casket and my mom joined me. I told her she looked so fake with all the makeup she had caked on. My mom told me that mommom always wanted to have her makeup done and her nails done and hair done. She said mommom would be happy if she seen herself. It did make me feel a little better. But all i ever think about is when i kissed her forhead and it was hard and cold.

She was burried in the cemetary right across from my neighborhood. I visited her grave a week ago. I could only stand to be there 5 minutes. Just the thought of her in the ground made my stomach weak.

my mom,stepdad, and grandma

Me and my poppop

All of us grandkids back in the day. The boat behind us is my popops


  1. What a sweet sweet's hard to watch a loved one go through something like that...but when they're gone we miss them so much. Thanks for sharing memories, it helps others know just how special your mommom was!

  2. I'm sorry about your grandmother. It's great that you wrote about that day in your life, however sad it is. You'll always miss her but it gets easier with time. Be glad you got to know her for as long as you did. I just started blogging last week too!